OK so you’ve had a month now to completely screw your new year’s resolutions. But just how bad have you screwed them? The following is a list of the top New Year Resolutions for 2009. 

I will get out of debt/save money

I obviously had an inverse reaction to last years top new years resolution. 2009 being the year I resolved to get in debt. Refinancing and living off credit, I’ve had a hell of a year on behalf of the banks. Debt cleared and credit cards bent at the end of 2008 metamorphosed into debt accrued and credit cards unbent by the end of 2009. Now with IOU’s coming out of my ear holes it’s only taken me 365 days to spiral into full-blown panic mode. Rejected by Centrelink (yes your government is not always there for you), I’ve spent the year funding Pensioners and their $2.50 train trips (to anywhere within the state), contributed to fork-outs of five grand to anyone who wishes to procreate and propagate, donated dollars toward every seven grand given to those buying their first home, and have contributed to Generation Y I’m-too-good-to-work losers via their fortnightly dole cheques. And all this via my credit cards. Luckily for that lot I was able to unbend the bend, iron out the crease so to speak. This year I will get a job.

I will lose weight

The lovely Jennifer Hawkins recently posed naked for Marie Claire to “expose her flaws like a normal woman”. Apparently there was one dimple of cellulite and a minute crease. I couldn’t see it, could you? This was her effort to make the female population feel better about themselves. I’m certain I will feel better about myself when I too pose naked on the cover of Marie Claire with or without airbrushing. For the moment though my bathroom mirror continues to cringe. And as the need to lose two kilo expands to five kilo then eventually to ten kilo I grow more wearisome of fads… though are not immune. I have a diet plan this year that I cannot divulge for fear that it will work and that I will lose out on making a mint from the 100 billion (U.S.) weight loss industry. But one definitive goal is to drink less vino. And this goal, the experts say, should be qualitative so I need to disclose how much less. But alas do I reference litres, bottles or pallets? It’s all just a little too confusing. But I will however be following Sienna Miller’s tip 21 in Who Weekly’s (18/01/10) “101 Ways to get a star body” and will be replacing wine with vodka. Alcohol is a poison that is toxic to the body from the moment it touches your lips. Square One Organic Vodka on the other hand contains no pesticides… no chemicals. Still poisonous from the lips down but a little less toxic. Zero calories with the added bonus that no bugs are killed during its inception.
 

I will be more organised

As the queen of disorganised chaos, being organised is something I’ve been strong willed in terms of intent, but weak in follow through. A “Virgo” bookmark defining page 281 in The Bedroom Secrets of Master Chefs (Irvine Welsh… not his best) reads “Your precise and methodical nature makes you very tidy around the house”. But lots of storage items and items attempting to be stored neatly within those overpriced Howard Storage World excesses points toward an attempt at order that has so successfully failed. In all seriousness my birthday does lie on the Leo-Virgo cusp.
 

I will spend more time with family and friends

Halfway down the countdown and one of the more popular resolutions appears to be spending more time with family and friends. Charlie Sheen was intending to do just that Christmas Day when the knife slipped and he accidently held it at his wives throat for over an hour. Who says that extra time spent with family need be fun!

I will develop a healthy habit

The sixth top resolution most commonly revolves around eating or exercise. Specifically the former for the two thieves who broke into a house in Alice Springs on Christmas Day and cooked up a couple of T bone steaks. They killed two resolutions with one break-and-enter. They got a high protein meal and saved money in the process. My “healthy habit” resolution for 2009 involved working less and sleeping more. I achieved a knock-out performance in both areas. I also abstained from alcohol for a week due to incarceration in The Royal North Shore Hospital where I lived off a imbalanced diet of minute portions that became less and less edible as I was administered less and less drugs.

I will work less and play more

It’s probably impossible to work less than I did in 2009, but potentially I could devise a way of playing more. Tiger Woods certainly resolved to “play more” in 2009, both golf and outside of his marriage… focusing more on swinging than his swing. Our own celebrated infidel Mel Gibson says “you have to shut up and move on and not whine about it. And you have to deal with it like a man” Its shutting up that got him into the thick of it in the first place. “Hey Elin, I want to shag other women” might have saved him his Accenture sponsorship, AT & T sponsorship, Gatorade sponsorship, Gillette sponsorship. The latter being the most bizarre. Why in the world would Gillette dump Tiger Woods given that he’s now the world expert on close shaves?

Other

MMMmmm.
 

I will watch less television

One hour and one scotch into Legally Blonde 2 and we are up to the ninth top resolution of 2009. The three months I spent without TV were like an unplanned trek across the Himalayas (hello November 2001). I spent the first few days in a comatose state staring at the walls semi conscious thinking “this is completely fucked” and the rest of my time dragging myself up mountains and then down again both physically but in this case emotionally too. Now with a TV again I can feel myself being absorbed back into society as each brain cell pings out through my nostril and hits the 13.5 inch screen. The dumbing-down process is in full swing with the aid of such tripe as Legally Blonde 2. New Years Resolution 2010 - watch less TV and watch that less TV less unwittingly i.e. basically turn the TV off.
 

I will change employment

HHHmmm.