I had a very vivid dream last night that encapsulated the ridiculousness of a self-service industry out of control. It was the future of out society… in ten years time for the pessimists, 50 years for the optimists. I’m not claiming to be Nostradamus, but I dreamt I was purchasing a coffee table form Big W and had to take the raw timber to the front of the store and actually build it myself. I’m not talking about a couple of screws and an allen key here. I’m talking about carving the actual timber itself. Weird.

Not so weird. The scene was extremely vivid. It took place at the front checkouts at Big W Jesmond. Not unusual seen as though I did work in that store for several years, about ten years ago now. But the dream possibly has more to do with the fact that a friend and I attempted to make a purchase at that very store a couple of weekends ago. We only had two or three items so decided we would give the “self-service” checkout a go.

We scanned and got nothing, tried again and again. Oh… apparently that particular machine was out of order. We went to another machine. Scanned a book and another item. Once, twice, thrice, it wouldn’t scan. So we thought we would scan item number three twice as it was rather similar to un-scannable item number two. Nope, wouldn’t scan twice. We tried typing in the numbers… didn’t like those either. Without any criminal intent frustration led to “Oh fuck it, just put it in the bag, lets go”. But no, that won’t work either. I, ever the impatient one, left my friend to lose their scruples while I attended to more pressing matters, like browsing in a dress shop.

This self-service madness is not short of celebrity endorsements either. There was an interview with celebrity chef Matt Moran in a weekend paper. When asked what the “next big food thing” will be, he replies “the other day I went to a sandwich shop where you had to make your own sandwich… I thought it was great”. Can we expect to see DIY fine dining at Aria sometime soon Matt? At least he didn’t claim it as his “best recent dining experience”. But I still cant figure out why on earth you wouldn’t just make your vegemite sanga at home?

And this week DIY turned up amongst the political pages. A 19 year old woman from Cairns is being trialled for “procuring an illegal abortion”. It seems the laws are so outdated in the sunshine state that Section 225 of the Criminal Code remains unchanged since 1861, making it illegal to abort a foetus without serious abnormalities. They say Queensland is God’s country… it would appear so. Her future sister-in-law posted some drugs over form the Ukraine so she could perform a DIY abortion. She will no longer be plagued by an unwanted pregnancy, just prison food and communal showering for possibly the next seven years.

I went fishing with a friend on the weekend. Well I would have if we could have found a river with some water in it. But even before we battled that obstacle we were in desperate need of bait. So we cruised the main street in Gloucester to no avail. Stopped everywhere, service stations, grocery stores… surely steak will do. How picky are the bloody fish up this way? The final straw was the nursery across the road. Apparently trout don’t have a taste for steak but worms are a real delicacy. No luck there either but the lovely lass showed us some pot plants we might want to look under. And we did. Self service worms, what is the world coming to!