Up-chuck, chunks, chorkle, chunder, call it what you will but the act (and in some cases art form) of vomiting is a very primitive instinct that we have all experienced at one stage or another. The definition of “vomit” is literally: the forceful expulsion of the contents of one’s stomach through the mouth. Also known by boffin types as “emesis”.  

But those same boffin types are not necessarily that familiar with the main cause, alcohol. Excessive alcohol is often to blame for the muscles in your abdomen squishing the stomach. And Sunday morning as I was “riding the porcelain bus”, “shouting at my shoes”, and “reviewing the menu”, I wasn’t exactly thinking about all the possible complications associated with vomiting. These include: 

a) Aspiration of vomit

Your main ambition when “shouting groceries” should be to not inhale the puke. Getting the contents of your tummy into your respiratory tract can cause death. Tetotallers and sober types will cough and gag but these reflexes are inhibited by alcohol. And it begs the question… what of cows that chew cud and literally vomit all day? Ever seen a bovine gag or cough?

b) Dehydration and electrolyte imbalance

Now we all know the effects of dehydration, a gigantic hangover the following day, yet some hardened soles still manage to soldier on. Take Andrew R as an example, after getting so drunk one cold evening he snuggled up for a quiet snooze in a Vinnie’s clothing bin. He only decided to leave the plethora of unwanted threads when he did a “technicolour yawn” and vomited all over the contents. But alas young Andy was not slowed down by dehydration the following day when he returned to that very Vinnie’s bin and hours old yak, to retrieve his lost wallet.

c) Mallory-Weiss tear

I’m not sure who Miss Mallory-Weiss but the act of tearing your oesophagus has been named after the poor lass. This is reputedly very dangerous and one of the tell tale signs is blood in your barf. Lucky (or unlucky) for me I was caught short once on a flight from Perth to Sydney. Retching already I reached for a sick bag in the seat pocket in front but it appeared that Qantas funding cuts had not only fucked maintenance. Strapped in tightly and taxing down the runway I had no other option than to grab the very small, very flimsy, clear plastic bag my headsets were just removed from. I completed my “liquid laugh” in the clear bag and inadvertently checked if I was in the clear. There was no blood, just sympathetic stares from other passengers.

d) Dental decay

Vomiting can destroy tooth enamel over a prolonged period… this is why you salivate before you spew. It’s your body’s mechanism for protecting the teeth. It also explains why so many supermodels have capped teeth. So next time you are “training to be a supermodel” remember to floss and brush afterwards.

So play it safe this weekend and drink in moderation. However, if you do suffer from a lack of discipline and you find yourself “yelling at the ants” in the wee hours of Sunday morning, don’t forget to gag. And if you are truly a sicko you can always post your vomit stories and pictures at The Vomitorium.

NB: Two vomits are walking down the street. All of a sudden one begins to cry. “What’s wrong” asks the other. “Oh nothing… its just that this is where I was brought up”.