Making friends with all the other Wendy Kramer’s in the (Facebook) world seemed like a good idea at the time. But as I scan my Facebook “news feed”, I now realise it may not have been the smartest thing I’ve done. Apart from the tiny pictures that differentiate myself from Wendy Kramer’s of Salt Lake City, Philadelphia, Winnipeg, Oswego, Pittsburgh, Colorado and London (11 all up)…there doesn’t appear to be anything too distinguishing. 

There has been several anxious moments as I’ve read down the “news feed”, (for anyone uninitiated its basically a list of headlines telling me what all my Facebook pals are up to) realising that Wendy Kramer completed the “What is the theme song of ur life? quiz… yet I don’t do those stupid quizzes. A headline by Wendy Kramer reading “…. I’m so freakin bored…” confused me further, as I don’t get bored. Then there was the news about Wendy Kramer’s grandad’s recent funeral… yet they’ve both been dead for 20 years. 

So it got me wondering… what really differentiates me from all the other Wendy Kramers in the world?

To figure out the answer I examined this past long weekend in depth to gain insight as well as identify some indicators that are pure Aussie. What I ultimately wanted was an itemised list that would eliminate all other Wendy Kramer’s in the event of any future confusion. A list that differentiates the Aussie Wendy Kramer, from the Wendy Kramers of the rest of the world.

 How to know you’re the Aussie Wendy Kramer 

1) 21,809,632 Australians had a three-day weekend in celebration of the Queen’s Birthday. But as it turns out her birthday isn’t even on this weekend, you and the other 21,809,631 Aussies don’t even know when it is, and don’t really give a shit about her Majesty.

2) You celebrate the Queen’s faux birthday by going on a vineyards trip and doing an ad hoc pub crawl through town.

3) Each vineyard is characterised by an assortment of fine wines plus an assortment of not so fine wine connoisseurs from all parts of the world. And each vineyard has its cliché Kath and Kim crowd of drunken middle-aged women in skirts too high and boots too tall. Cackling like old witches feeding a bunch of chooks. They are on a hens night/girls only weekend away, and are pretty obnoxious, but you quietly think “good luck to them” and envisage yourself in their boots in 10 years time. 

4) Too concerned with the weather turning bad, and the possibility of rain, you don’t  remember what vineyards you visited.

5) The worst part of the trip was the bit when the guide informed you that the Hunter Vineyards would soon start charging for tastings (thanks to a relaxation of the liquor laws… the words “relaxation of liquor laws” used have good connotations).

6) You have completed a vineyards tour in the world renowned Hunter Valley and are disappointed that you didn’t get drunk and will spend the evening wondering what you did wrong.

7) You do a pub crawl in Singleton with a friend from Newcastle and head to the Caledonian, the Imperial, and the Criterion. But what you really do is a pub crawl in Singo with a friend from Newie and head to the Callie, Impy and the Cri.

8 ) You get home from the pub crawl and although close to passing-out watch Rage into the wee hours waiting for a crap video clip so you can turn it off and go to bed.

9) The next morning you drag your sorry self out from under the flannelette sheets and duck down doona.  Put on your tracky daks and ugg boots and continue in hibernation mode due to the freezing temperatures outside i.e. its sunny and 18 degrees.

10) Your retired parents have kitted out a caravan and are proceeding to tow it around Oz with all the other Grey Nomads. They are currently in Darwin where it is 34 degrees and you are feeling a bit jealous.

 Other ways of knowing you’re Aussie. 

11) You are a first grade rugby league player and that seemingly harmless one night stand you had the other night has cost you $50,000.  A blow-up doll, apple pie, or prostitute in the off-season… would have been a hell of a lot cheaper.

12) You are a ghost or a zombie and just received a total of $900 from K Rudd’s stimulus package. You don’t feel stimulated of course because you are dead.

13) You make jokes about K Rudd stimulating you.

14) You are sitting in a bar in Darwin and the reveller next to you is a one metre long freshwater crocodile. In for a crock of beer no doubt!

15) You lost your job last week and are down to the last five bucks from your K Rudd stimulus package. You walk into the TAB and place a bet on the official number of Australians unemployed for the month of May.

16) You are surfing on the Gold Coast and save the life of a drowning kangaroo. It doesn’t get much more Aussie than that.