“The little girl notices the strikingly visible and well-proportioned penis of a brother or playmate, immediately recognising it as the superior counterpart of her own small and hidden little organ and from then on she is subject to penis envy” Sigmund Freud (1925) in Some Physical Consequences of the Anatomical Distinction between the Sexes.

The truth is that little girls “would rather be a boy”… or that’s what Freud would have you believe if he was still around today. Thankfully he carked it in 1939, long before he could use the likes of Fiona Major or Lorena Bobbitt to back-up his ludicrous theory. The former having stabbed her man in the groin for allegedly giving her an STD. Imagine the consequences of an unwanted pregnancy. And the latter, well we all know who she is. 

In a recent interview on TV Lorena said “I remember driving with his severed penis in my hand, and in my other hand I had the knife”. Clearly the woman has long legs as she was obviously steering with her knees. Hurtling along the Freeway in first its probable she was using the wrong gear stick. But then she confessed further… “I didn’t even know how I got into the car, and apparently I had to toss it somewhere because I couldn’t turn the wheel of my car, so I got rid of the thing”.

She “got rid of the thing”, tossed it out the window like a rotten banana gone black at the bottom of her handbag. “Got rid of the thing”, like a cheap temperamental toaster that always delivers burnt toast. The word “toss” itself implies to flippantly fling. A Freudian slip perhaps… do you really call that “penis envy”?

The fact is Mr Freud, most women couldn’t think of anything worse than having an extra appendage to deal with. And not just women but also some very short-sighted men, short on eye sight literally, and after this weeks events… shorter in the penis department too.

Like the Egyptian man who cut off his own penis this week when his Father forbid him to marry the woman he loved (past tense in the physical sense). Most people would be a little less dramatic and simply choose to elope in that situation. I hear the Little White Chapel in Las Vegas is popular at this time of year.

He’s probably lucky the medical team were unable to reattach his severed member. My cousin once broke his leg in Egypt and returned to Oz a week later with a deathly aroma lingering around said leg. His Doctor in Sydney broke open the cast to find one hairy leg complete with twigs, a family of microfauna, and the early signs of gangrene. Gangrene of the penis would do nothing to lure the ladies and at least now it is unlikely he will ever be able to pass on his idiotic genes.

And one headline got my attention with the aptly titled “Man’s gun bravado a half-cocked stunt”. This was in reference to Lukas Nevhardt of Germany shoving a gun down his pants and pulling the trigger, a prank pulled for his mates… and you thought Germans were no fun. Apparently it looked like the safety catch was on. Surgeons were unfortunately able to stitch him back together but he will be back in hospital next week for laser eye surgery and/or a brain transplant.

So if any part of Freud’s “Oedipus” complex is to be believed it would have to be the fact that a handful of women do have “penis envy”. But let’s not forget the last two examples which completely disproved the theory and ruled-out any evidence of “castration anxiety” in men. Although I’m pretty sure those two would be feeling a little anxious now. “Hindsight explains the injury that foresight would have prevented” (Pub: unknown Author). Ouch!

Take model Katherine Dalton for example, who after a sex change became Adrian, who now considers himself to be gay. She (he) still loves men she just doesn’t have to line-up for hours at the port-a-loos at music festivals anymore. “Penis envy” perhaps, but what of the two post-op transsexuals in Sundays Herald who are both now female and… lesbian. “Castration anxiety”, I don’t think so. “Penis envy”, most definitely not.

The gender lines these days are becoming more and more confused with or without the enviable penis. In a week when a gay man was crowned “Prom Queen” in LA, scientists at the University of Sydney discovered that young male Augrabies (lizards) avoid being attacked by older males by cross-dressing i.e. suppressing their “extravagant” male coloration. These little guys definitely don’t suffer from “penis envy” although it is true that “extravagant” colouring would be more appropriate in the reputably flamboyant gay lizard scene. Where the Blue Tongue is know as the Brown Tongue and Frilled Necks are commonly seen fraternising with Horny Devils (Pub: sorry, that was lame I know).

In 1953 the supremely misogynistic “lizard king” Sigmund Freud, who surely must not have seen that many penises in his day, said… “The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is ‘What does a woman want?’”. Mel Gibson was to ask the same question many decades later… he still doesn’t have the answer.

Well we don’t know but we don’t bloody well want a penis… but thanks for acknowledging that women have “souls”. Maybe in 1000 years, assuming the male species has survived (and their penises haven’t dropped off), the penis might have evolved a bit. I’m not all that familiar with Nostradamus’s penis prophecy but if the penis did for example develop a brain… then and then only women might be interested in getting one of our own.