Svedka, Denaka, Moscovskaya, call it what you will but vodka remains the poison of choice for not quite 140 million Russians and a handful of Novocastrians on a Saturday night. And vodka in the naughties is not just the flavourless watery fluid of the cold war era. It now comes in a variety of tantalising tastes including Sputniks basil, rose petal, and horseradish flavours.

Unlike some, the Russians are passionate about their tipple of choice. Take Newcastle’s vodka shots away and apart from some minor whinging most locals will drink rum instead. But in 1985 Mikhail Gorbachev ordered Russian distilleries to stop vodka production and replace it with juice (he was obviously pissed at the time) and the black market for vodka exploded. Sure, the life expectancy of the average man may have increased from 62 to 65 years for a short while but it caused 40,000 deaths per year from counterfeit vodka poisoning.

For when confronted with an empty shot glass the crazy babushkas decided to simply make their own. Forget the grains and the spuds, dig-up the ol’ anti-freeze, brake fluid, anti-corrosion solution or aftershave. Russian men have never smelt the same since, not to mention Russian women (cheap perfume will also do… watered down of course).

But for the no less inventive but slightly more intoxicated and enterprising there is a tidy profit to be made through pumping the liquid out and sharing it with the people of the world. At under five bucks a bottle it makes perfect economic sense in these difficult times to smuggle the spirit into other countries. At the end of last year 11 Vladimir’s pumped homemade vodka all the way to Estonia. They successfully pumped 6200 litres by plastic underwater pipe before being busted.

So where does the future lie for Russians and their beverage of choice? With over one in ten Russians alcoholic the average Cossack sinks 38 litres of vodka a year. This compared to the teetotalling Americans who only drink eight litres per capita per annum. And these enlightening statistics don’t reveal the true spread which is actually slurred towards mainly male consumption as Smirnoff is considered to be a masculine drink.

So given the failure of political control… the distilleries are attempting to increase their reach by now targeting women:

“Women drink much less vodka than men, but now they have a product especially for them… we hope that will change” (Natalie Shumulina - Marketing Director of Deyros)

I know the above statement was faithfully embraced in Newcastle on Saturday night. And although I wasn’t able to get my hot little hands on this exciting new product “Damskaya” my old mate “Karloff” did the trick. This new innovation in inebriation is exciting for the Russian feminist movement and female shenanigan potential the world over. After all, the men of Moscow have hardly been resting on their laurels… just this week alone…

- a karate expert karate chopped and killed an old age pensioner and her son… as he thought they had nits.

- a man inhaled a 5cm fir tree.

- the surgeon performing the operation to remove what they had thought was a tumour… admitted to thinking he was hallucinating when he saw the fir tree.

- a man drinks three bottles of vodka

-after finishing the third bottle the man jumps from a 5th floor window, survives, and while his wife calls an ambulance he jumps out again. He said “I have no idea why I jumped the first time but when I came back up and I heard my wife screaming angrily at me I thought it was best if I left the room again - out of the window”.