I am not doing much these days, therefore my carbon footprint would be minute, tiny in fact. Since I finished work three months ago I’ve been either asleep, awake, at the beach, or checking the letterbox. This is what I was doing at about 8.25pm Saturday night (while running the bath) when I noticed the sign in the foyer of my building:
WATER USAGE IN THE BUILDING HAS DOUBLED SINCE THIS TIME LAST YEAR. PLEASE FIX LEAKY TAPS.
I walked away considering the likelihood that I was in fact solely responsible for the increase and was contemplating the current rage for conserving energy and resources (something I had been doing quite well these last three months) when I returned to my unit and turned the lights off half-heartedly, for Earth Hour. There was nothing on TV so I had plenty of time to think while soaking in the bath, which was filled (as usual) right to the brim. And so I thought about all the unfounded non-scientific waffle regarding “human induced global warming” that is reported by the media. Similar to wartime propaganda it is everywhere you look and has gotten so ridiculously over the top that “human induced global warming” seems to now be regarded as pure undeniable indisputable fact.
If governments were serious about slowing carbon emissions they would stop all deforestation today. And not allow the commission of a brand spanking new wood chip plant on the west coast of Tassie (the Gunn’s Triabunna Wood Chip Plant). One with such an appetite it has the ability to chow down 2000 square kilometres of pristine forest in the next 25 years (4.5 million tonnes per annum).
What has happened to Kevin Rudd’s brain? Did Therese put it out with the compost? Why would any intelligent political leader endorse “carbon trading” based on a 21st century fairytale with no scientific proof? These policies have the potential to ruin entire economies. Who are we, the mighty First World, to handicap growing economies as they begin to germinate? If Australia gets serious about “carbon trading” then we might as well nominate a Tooth Fairy Minister to stand alongside Penny Wong (the Minister for Climate), and get the ATO onto Santa Claus who hasn’t paid tax for over 1700 years now (the fat bastard).
If governments were serious about slowing carbon emissions they would put a global ban on farting. I support flatulent oppression, starting with bovine farting, which is apparently one of the main contributors to global warming. Promoting vegetarianism would reduce stock levels in this country (not to mention cripple the farming industry) and therefore the amount of farting partaken by those stinking cows and as a result reduce carbon emissions. But why stop at bovine farting? For a truly cooler earth take heed governments and start enacting the following policies now:
1) Stop the “Baby Bonus” at once. To tackle farting head-on we need to decrease the population. Particularly the lower socio economic groups who not only feed off tax payers in this country but who sit around drinking, eating, and farting. If we were to bring in Chinas one child policy this country could kill two birds with one stone (and when I say bird I mean the female variety) by reducing the amount of farting but also by lowering the number of female babies born you also reduce the amount of hot air released by women in their 30’s complaining about the lack of available men.
2) Promote ethnic cleansing. First to go should be lovers of baked beans and then followed by anyone who has ever eaten cabbage or choko (perhaps starting with the Mothers who insist on slipping that nondescript piece of carbon onto the dinner plate in the first place). Oh and while we are at it, add to that anyone who is considered to be “full of shit”(has anyone got John Howards new address?).
3) Endorse whaling and follow our humble leaders Japan and Norway. Whale farts cause enormous balloons of methane, enough to sink a ship. I have good reason to believe the Bermuda Triangle, with a bit more study, will be revealed to be caused by a pod of nasty whales on the ocean floor, playing their own version of Battleships.
4) Plug all volcanoes including black smokers, mid ocean ridges and geysers. In 1883 Krakatoa released 25 cubic kilometres of green house gases, which exceeds all emissions by man in human history. These gaseous boils on the earths crust need to be quietened. It will be a huge engineering feat and we may need to reopen BHP to manufacture the plugs (we shouldn’t need that much coal), the first order is for eight giant plugs, and that’s for Mt Etna (Sicily) alone.
5) Gus has to go. This dog has the most retched bum in the universe (sorry Duck).
OK, so I may have filled the bath to the brim again Saturday night, single-handedly doubling the water usage in my block of units for this quarter perhaps. But I did not fart once that day and so also single-handedly contributed to a reduction in carbon emissions and ultimately “human induced global warming”. Surely Mr Rudd… this has earned me at least one carbon credit?
What will you be going for “Fart Hour 2009″ besides not farting?
18 responses so far
1 Katie // Apr 1, 2009 at
You could be on to something here!!
How could this - so obvious - have been previously overloooked?
Clealry those in positions of power haven’t been serious at all about attacking climate change head on.
Keep up the good work.
2 Haynesy // Apr 1, 2009 at
hmmm, I appreciate the principal of your proposals, however I have a few fears. . .
1. With the withdrawl of baked beans there will be nothing edible on the breakfast menu at camp. It’s only beans that can survive the sub arctic temperatures of the bain marie and still be palatable
2. If television has taught me anything, its that holding in farts can be very dangerous to one’s health. I seem to recall an interesting doco called ‘South Park’ which showed the holding in of farts lead to spontaneous compustion. The link was proven by one of your fellow geologists Randy Marsh. I know the word of a geologist is hardly gospel, but its an issue I think requires further consideration.
3. In a society where masculinity is already being stripped away from the male population at an alarming rate, the removal of farting could lead to an alarming increase in the use of hair product, man moisturisers and pink shirts. With only scratching and burping left to define thier sex the emasculation of society will be almost complete. Is this an outcome the women of Aust are really prepared for?
Anyway, just my 10 cents
3 admin // Apr 1, 2009 at
Haynesy - I agree, it is a huge cultural shift. I mean we were all raised with the “better out than in” philosophy. In reply to the concerns you raise:
1. this is hilarious and so true. Sorry I have no come-back.
2. I realise the word of a geologist is hardly gospel but christ… is Randy his real name (he’d have to be a ranga)?
3. I agree masculinity has been largely stomped out by stilettos and men wearing pink shirts, particularly with the collar up. However, if you refer back to policy one, over the course of 500 years there will be no women. Thus, putting an end to the human race and “human induced global warming”.
Maybe then the crazed cultish no-it-alls will realise the horse they have been beating is well and truly dead and now resembles catfood. Whiskas or Dine even…
4 admin // Apr 1, 2009 at
Katie - thanks mate. Now that I dont have 6 rigs and a neurotic nutcase to deal with I am able to spend the hours asleep, awake… and looking at the bigger picture.
But what will you be doing for “Fart Hour” tonight?
5 Paul // Apr 1, 2009 at
Wendy
I’ll give it a crack but this one could kill me. Unfortunately my latest addition to the human race is also a top farter and at 8 months old he won’t be able to hold it in.
Whenever I’ve eaten vego style my flatulence has gone through the roof so some “total vegetarian induced human flatulence vs total bovine flatulence” research needs to done. That could be another spin off from this fantastic scam!
6 admin // Apr 1, 2009 at
Paul - congratulations, and what would be the little aerosol mans name?
True “total vegetarian induced human flatulence vs total bovine flatulence” needs to be studied further. Essentially what we need to develop is an electronic measurement device.
However, in the absense of that we will be forced to rely on:
1) The Feline Factor - how many times the cat gets blame for farting.
2) The Cupcake Count - how many cupcakes are made in a day of the non-cooked variety.
3) The Fart Dance - the number of people walking in the opposite direction of an individual with a screwed-up facial expression (and claiming that “someone farted”) at any given time in the nightclub scene.
7 admin // Apr 1, 2009 at
Paul - what scam??
8 Kristy Reeves // Apr 2, 2009 at
Nice work. But Rorge was a legend. Her farts smelt like roses. Therefore not harming the environment, just making making the world smell nicer for people like you and me.
9 jan // Apr 2, 2009 at
why not bottle it. We have all seen ghost busters! Some nice looking 30 something male could collect the emmission and re-cycle it. There could be fart recycle centres, drop off your farts, glass, plastic and paper!
10 admin // Apr 2, 2009 at
Duck - how funny… I actually meant Gus! I will edit that immediately!
11 admin // Apr 2, 2009 at
Jan - thats definitely a practical solution. Why isn’t farting viewed as an alternative energy source along side wind and solar energy?
12 Haynesy // Apr 2, 2009 at
I thought that’s what they meant by wind energy!
13 Kristy Reeves // Apr 3, 2009 at
OK You’ve got met there. Gus does have a really smelly bum. In fact I’m pretty sure he has already harmed the environment.
14 Paul // Apr 3, 2009 at
Scam - having people pay for a license that permits CO2 production while natural CO2 production is far greater than the human contribution. There is all the other garbage about Co2 and global warming but you would know what I’m talking about.
The little man is named Fraser and he is 7.5 months old.
15 admin // Apr 3, 2009 at
Paul - Whoops… I thought you were talking about “Fart Hour” being a scam. Sorry I forgot to turn my brain on. I have to turn my brain on these days, there’s a switch behind my left ear (really its true).
Fraser… sweet. Have you got any pics?? Does he take after you?? i.e. No hair??? Amazing sense of humour??
16 admin // Apr 3, 2009 at
Haynesy - no fart energy is very different to wind energy… the defining difference being that it kills a lot less birds.
17 admin // Apr 3, 2009 at
Duck - Im certain Gus is soley responsible for the hole in the ozone layer.
18 Haynesy // Apr 7, 2009 at
which kills less? those wind turbine blades can be pretty brutal to the little feathered buggers
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